Murphy's Law of International Elevators

• If you live in Europe, the elevator will only allow two women the size of Twiggy inside. If you are larger than that, take the stairs.
• If you live most anywhere in Asia (at least Central Asia), there is no such thing as an elevator. If there does happen to be an elevator, it doesn't work. Take the stairs.
• If you live in a metropolis (such as myself) in a building with double digit stories, when you press the call button, expect the following scenario. Two elevators, one on floor 4, the other on floor 27. You, on the ground floor, will have to wait while the closer elevator goes up, and the farther elevator comes down. Halfway through the process, someone somewhere in the building will press the call button, and the elevators will then change all directions, and eventually, the elevator that had started on floor 4, proceeded to floor 17, will return down to the ground floor and pick you up... All taking enough time for you to have taken the stairs to have arrived quicker than with the elevator.
• Living in a fancy building with a helipad on the roof does not mean you have escaped the madness that follows typical Central Asian protocol. The water tank on the penthouse floor can burst, spewing all its contents into the elevator and its occupants, and putting all elevators in the 31 story building out of order for several days. Yes, no matter how much you are paying for that panoramic view, you still have to take the stairs. Unless you can afford to land on the helipad. Otherwise, take the stairs.
• If you are allergic to perfume (as I am), you will inevitably have to ride with Arabic males who bath in cologne, to the extent that you must exit the elevator earlier than your floor of destination, just to avoid passing out. And then you take the stairs.
• Smoking, while not allowed anywhere in the building, and surely must be not good for elevators, is allowed, and in masse.
• If it's all men in the elevator, and you are a woman...take another elevator (or the stairs)...women's lib doesn't exist here.
• If its a mixed elevator, and appears full, the golden rule of Asia applies:
  THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE!
• If you fear the beeping sound that ensues from the packed elevator, take the stairs. Waiting for another elevator will invoke aforementioned law.
• If you are out on a Friday, it doesn't matter how new the mall is. The elevators won't work until after the call to prayer. If you insist on being a pagan and eating at Chili's (which serves pagans), take the stairs. (Okay, I exaggerated that one. The elevators will work on the end of the mall where Chili's is located, but not the others, nor the escalators.)
• If your elevator should happen to stop working while you are in it, go ahead and panic. The emergency phone won't work, and even if it did, the watchman doesn't speak enough English to help you. And your cell phone won't have service in the elevator either. You should have taken the stairs.